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The Paper mask - don't give up

There is so much I want to impart,
So much I want to say,
to you my friends reading this today.


Yes I'm fine I say. That is always my standard response when someone asks me how I am.  But deep inside I am not ok.  The world has turned against me, the black dog is around me again. https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc  I can think of so many public figures who seem to have life sorted (Robin William's comes to mind) when they're in fact in turmoil.

I want so much to tell people how I really feel but I can't as I'm afraid they will get bored of me.  So I put on this metaphorical disguise and with smile pretend it all ok.  When deep down I just want to die.

Most nights I wish not to wake up the next morning to get rid of this pain.  Along with my wife my power of 3 help me keep going.  Joel, Thomas and James are my world.  When I think of hurting myself I worry how Claire will cope without me and also I haven't yet printed out my life insurance policy.   It is good therapy for me to write all this.  I don't want to die and leave my family, I'm wired differently you see and struggle to fit into that hole everyone else does. I'm like a square peg trying to ram myself into a round hole.

On a bright note I keep myself busy trying improve my lot. I cannot become a round peg but I can make a square hole for myself. It has taken me until my 40's to realise that I have something to offer the world.

So why do I want to hurt myself and often view myself with disdain.  That is simple over the years I have programmed myself to fit in with others.  Try to be them, hold them aloft on a pedestal because I thought everyone else is better than me.  In essence if someone else says something it must be true.  This is how I have survived in the past yearning to be liked by everyone but at the sametime knowing that is impossible.  As you see I set myself up to fail early on.

I have been working on changing this program to something more achievable and better for me.  The trouble during times of stress I tic more and return to my original program.

I'm here for you.  I don't know you and you don't know me but I'm here always willing to listen and support you where I can.

Remember whatever the problem is it can be sorted.  When you're feeling low just do whatever makes you happy.  Rest up and face the day when you feel ready.

Take Care my friends








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