Time to Tic, positive effects.

Dad with tourettes and 3 children with autism.  My anger goes from zero to 60 in 20 seconds.

Normally I start off calm with the use of breathing techniques but eventually I lose it, sometimes swearing under my breath. I used to think this was due to a lack of self control but later found out I have Tourettes syndrome and have done since I was little.  After a swear word escapes my mouth I straight away say I'm sorry.

Now my saying I have tourettes doesn't mean swearing is acceptable and certainly not in front of my children.  It means I have to work extra specially hard to prevent myself getting to the point of no return where I begin swearing following by apologising and the usual cycle of negative thinking Luckily I manage to swear under my breath as out of earshot of my child.  I also employ meditation, playing music and time to tic as tools to enable me to control my anger more effectively and be able to walk away when the need arises.

I love my children with all my heart but their behaviour sometimes is so hard to deal with especially when I am battling with my own neuro-diversities. For those of you who don't know what Neurodiversity is, it is an umbrella term covering neurological conditions such as a dyspraxia, dyslexia, autism and Tourettes.  The theory of neurodiversity rests on the premise that all of the different neurological conditions I just mentioned are interconnected and over lap.  For example I have dyspraxia and also have traits of dyslexia, with my Tourettes I have traits of autism.   However I am stronger than I think.   What doesn't help me is when I list all of the things I have to do and the lack of time I have to do something I think it is important and when my son won't sleep or stay in his bedroom.   You see I have a small window of opportunity to get work done when I'm in the mood to do it.   I get so upset if I can't do what I want to achieve and feel awful about it.  I have worked out strategies to deal with this.  I just get on with what is needed at home.  I have such dreams and aspirations outside of my job and I want to make those a reality.   The will happen, I will succeed I just don't know how right now.

I have read many books on management of anger, depression, how to be happy and so on.  The only problem with them is not only trying to find the time to read them but also to be able to practice the advice they contain.  It is a good idea for me to mention I have always hated getting angry.  It leaves me apologetic to everyone.  Even if I have not been perceived as angry by someone else, I still worry that I have and seek reassurance from others.

Anger I have learned is like any other emotion and can be a useful tool.  Jesus got angry with the traders in the temple but this was godly anger.  As long as it is justified to the situation you have faced and not disproportionate then anger is ok.  I mean it has often been the fuel to get me into action for example against my children's local education authority eventually ending up in tribunal to get the boys into the right school for their needs.  We won.

I see anger as weakness and admire those around me who never seem to lose their cool regardless of what life throws at them. Perhaps I am only seeing the facebook representation of other people,  by that I mean their best bits, whereas if I lived with them  I would no doubt see the times they are angry and not so calm.

I am not only one.

Paul Gilbert wrote about management of depression and the need to allow anger out, not to keep it locked up inside like a car in a garage.  Without being released sometimes the feelings will build up and up.  One day it just comes out over something trivial. This has happened to me.

I also need to take care of my needs more rather than constantly putting other people first, which I am starting to think is my way of  playing it safe.  The thought of standing up for myself evokes awful emotional feelings inside so I decide to play it safe.  I need to let the pain be there as my CBT counsellor told me.  However  this is something I really struggle with.  Part of self care is giving myself time to tic.  When at work I take a few moments out as the need arises to tic in private. (e.g. hand flap, jump, head jerk and so on) It is tiring but does help me reduce the underlying tension I feel.   I got time to tic advice from other people with tourettes.

If I put others first they will like me.  

Not necessarily they may see me as a push over and expect more from me next time    Sometimes others will respect us for standing up to them or showing we hold a different opinion to them.  If I express an opinion and others in a group  disagree with it then I sometimes worry the people around me will have a poor opinion of me   Thoughts like you're stupid and so on fill mind.  Something others might not think of as a problem lead me to make huge judgements about myself as a person and my abilities in life. 

This has got me thinking that even the smallest word or gesture can have a huge impact on someone else.   Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.  Actually unkind words can and do hurt me.   My plan in life has always been to start a kind of ripple effect of kindness.  One kind word, gesture or smile can have a positive impact further than we can see.  One kind word might lift someone's mood which in turn might help them to be kind to someone else.  The effects could be limitless.
Just think of the effects of unkind words that gradually bring you down and how far these affects can be felt. 

For example you've had a bad day, go home and tell your family about it.  Although your family are supportive it will upset them that you have had a bad day.  Ok that is an  over simplified example of the effects of negative experiences but hopefully it gives you an idea of how positive words can empower and build others.

Take Care and have a great day.