New mind/ new beginning

hat have I achieved? I often sit with my thoughts.  This can be an intensely emotional time but also one I enjoy.  I like spending time with me.  I struggle with other people.  Their thoughts and opinions. Sometimes just their presence scares me.  I always feel I am not enough as I am.   My 45-year-old self talking to my 15-year-old self The first thing I want to tell you is you are enough! You will see that you will achieve so much.  You are autistic and always have been and guess what that is ok. You are you and bring so much love to the lives of others.  You have a bunch of other neurodiversities (Dyspraxia, Tourettes etc) but they make you, you. Some people think you are weird but you are gorgeous and you have a heart as big as the ocean. Quoting your friend Anna.  Be kind to yourself.  You have been through so much. Psychologically and physically abused by your teachers and fellow pupils. Not to mention the times' people touche...

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I can't carry on. The noise of my inner critic and the criticism from others is too much for me.  Add in the constant loss of earnings, the bank wanting money. Joel's brain tumour, my painful memories of being abused and the nursing council investigation it has laid me low.   On a positive side, I'm working as a minibus driver taking a disabled child to and from school and taking keyworkers to work.  It is less stressful and I am doing an important job.  Professor Peters* in the chimp paradox says this is my chimp as it is emotionally driven. My chimp has experienced a lot of trauma since I was a child.  So no wonder I have these strong emotions.   I need to nurture and manage my chimp.  One way to nurture the chimp is to exercise, this will help reduce the negative feelings.  Another way to nurture the chimp is to be kind to yourself. My counsellor reminded me that not everything that happened to me is my fau...

  Thoughts and feelings.  Feelings are extremely fickle.  One minute they are up and I feel ok, then the next moment they are down.  Why?  I am currently listening to “The Chimp Paradox” by Prof Steve Peters.  Often in neuropsychology, the brain is separated into the reptilian brain and the bird brain.  The reptilian including parts of the brain that do things without us even being conscious of it.   The bird however is part of the brain which requires some thought.  You will see in some books it is split into the lower and higher brain.    Enough with these explanations, Peter's point is the chimp acts without, evidence or reflective thought.  When we feel low but are not sure why this is often caused by the chimp.  You know someone is in chimp mode when they use words like a feel rather than I think.  Don’t get me wrong sometimes our emotions can alert...

Winning or losing it's all about perspective Are emotions stronger than logic? Robert Kiyasaki in his book Rich Dad's cashflow quadrant talks about how our emotions are often stronger than our logic.  Most of us know that we need to exercise but often don't do it because we don't feel like it.   A financial example is many advertisers will show a new product like a luxury car. Emotionally I want that car but logic says I know I can't afford it now.  So as if to anticipate this they say the magic words of reduced payments and words like 'luxury never became so affordable.' Also, you have already been sold the idea that you own the car. Where the mind goes the body follows also. (Roy H Williams ' Wizard of Ads') You get the idea.  At that point, our logic goes out of the window and we get into debt.  This shows our need for emotional intelligence and financial intelligence. It costs x,y,z but I don't need it, it is going to cost me a lot more by t...

Meltdowns verses a naughty child. A trip to Tesco's to buy an outfit for Halloween.  James suddenly didn't want us to pay for things he wanted to leave the store.  He threw himself on the floor when I stopped him from running. The security guard watched us with an air of suspicion.  Thoughts do I admit defeat, dump the shopping in the store and come back another time.  James still clinging onto the witched outfit.  No I went to the express checkout.  James followed me taking his coat off he screamed, everyone looked.  I announced sorry he has autism.  As we left the store refused to move. So I borrowed a basket as I thought I could carry him, his coat and the shopping.  As we walked through door still screaming he tried to grab my hair and ended up grabbing my mask and pulling it off my face. I dropped some of the shopping. The security guard concerned asked if I was ok and gave me my mask back.  I struggled to get James acro...

Do you jump before you are ready? You will never feel ready.  Life is about the experience, if we fear pursuing our dreams and do nothing,  we will never know what might have been. Doing nothing may feel safe but it prevents us from learning. Have no regrets.   If it is something that moves you to action you should go for it.   Feel the fear and do it anyway.   Look back on your life for what you did, not what you wish you had done.  A life of no regrets. I am not saying I have it all sewn up, but life is what you make it, most often I struggle to act. Do I get scared and think "what if it all goes wrong?" Yes.  Now I am not saying make uncalculated risks,  I am saying sometimes you have to take a risk in order to grow.  Sometimes that is when we do not feel ready.   Make a small investment in yourself today Invest in yourself today that might be exercise or learn a new skill, connect with someone.  Get out there...

We're both sitting in the living room with headphones on listening to music.  Trying to drown out the noise of our youngest son shouting the same thing over and over and over, while playing with his cars. Asking him to stop he just shouts louder and says no.    We've been to Portsmouth today he wanted to walk a particular way and did not want to go to the toilet, so started screaming and throwing himself on the floor.  People looking on assuming we are bad parents.  As I pick him up his feet swing wildly striking me in the shins while he puts his whole body weight down through his legs causing me to need to waddle. The screaming continues as we head into the toilets. To the naked eye you would think this is just a normal childhood tantrum. However this child is wearing a sunflower lanyard. This indicates that he has a hidden disability.  Yes James is verbal but he has autism, social and communication delay.  Mentally he is a 2 year old who struggles ma...

What an amazing lady.  An ex-colleague once commented fighting fire with fire was the way to deal with some people. Looking back, I have only found this approach to make a situation far worse. It is like adding fuel to a fire making it even bigger and causing problems you may not have had before speaking.  That is not to say we should always keep silent when being oppressed or when witnessing prejudice for example.    So many times you look back at a difficult situation and think, I wish I had said this or that!   If you are anything like me,  I often feel guilt for whatever my response is. I feel that I am somehow expected to respond in a particular way, make myself look tough for example. Reflection often helps me to see that often times I responded as I should have. I responded as me, for I cannot be someone else. One final thought.   It is good to celebrate the life of inspirational people but make sure you do not use it ...

I am on the cusp of greatness.  Not sure what that means or how I know that but I've got a good feeling. So I'm running with it.   Feel tired but can't sleep. My wife talked about our wedding vows today: For richer for poorer - we have always been poor. Still awaiting the richer bit. In sickness and in health -  lots of sickness and trouble but not the health part.  Based on the above we think we're due some of the flip side.  Well I've gone and done it, applied to be a freelance writer. My first step on the rung to becoming a writer.  I may not get it but I must keep going as there is so much uncertainty right now. My job is fixed contract that could end anytime.  Hey it sounds more like a mobile phone sim only deal than a job. A job that helps to provide for your family, keep a roof over your heads and help give you some pride in yourself. Just reflecting this year we have trodden an extremely hard road but I have met some amazing people because...

 My Sails Are Broken (Written 11/06/2020) I am feeling so awful.  Today is a bad day.  Nothing is going right.  I am working but struggling to fit work around my family.  My eldest son is unwell, his epilepsy has been diagnosed as rare.   I am awaiting the professional investigation to be concluded, it is currently on hold.   Added to this all the stress has uncovered stuff I had hidden away when I was little.  It pains me to open up with you friends like this, but this blog enables me to be who I am and deal with the stuff that is going on in my head and life right now. I need to open up. I feel so dirty and horrible.  I was sexually abused a number of times in my childhood.  I don’t want to go into details right now as it is too painful.  I have sought support from a local rape and sexual abuse centre, sadly they are not taking on any new referrals. All this has left me feeling that I cannot possibly go on.  There i...

Why do I want to re-invent my story? Whoever you are, we all have a story to tell.  Story doesn't mean made up, it refers to our life.  The things that happened to us. Looking back I have always tried to be someone else in the hope that other people will like me.  However much I have tried not to I still end up following that program. It is as if I am not enough.   But what if? What if people actually like me as me? Sorry this could get very confusing.  I need to just be me without sugar coating it or apologising.  Am I not enough that I have to become James Bond?   Don't get me wrong escapism is great and there is a lot we can learn from these characters.  However sadly they all have their flaws. Bond has his love of women and desire to self destruct. Deep down bond is lonely. Yes he is macho but he doesn't have any friends or family. Friends get killed.  Just think if bond were real he might be wishing he were someone else too....

Looking up into the night sky I realise how small I am. How insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  But to someone I am their everything. We don't always know how others feel about us. Just know you are loved and you are beautiful.  Much love my friends

We have heard it said many times that this pandemic is uncharted ground for everyone alive today. Amid all the doom and gloom of economic recessions, job losses and the possibility of a second wave, I wanted to shed a little bit of light to help you gain a bit more of a positive view point. It is easy to catastrophise right now but there are opportunities to be had as well.  More and more people are continuing to use bicycles to get around rather than their cars.  This has improved the environment, improves peoples health with more exercise and a reduction in air pollution.   This has led to an increased demand for bikes including electric bikes. This can lead to more jobs in this industry. People are realising that money and material possessions are not important.  The important things are family, friends and our communities. For too long our society has become fragmented, neighbours not knowing each other.  People are taking the time to check on their nei...

Dreamy days; not so dreamy. Lack of sleep, cooking breakfast, lunch and tea.  3 boys demanding food throughout the day constantly.  Paddling pool blown up, filled and emptied.  Wifi problems causing big issues and frustration.  Despite all this I am in the only place I would rather be,  with my beautiful family.

I was supposed to have a payment holiday of 2 months for my personal loan.  To my surprise I received a text message from my bank telling me there is not enough money in my account for the loan repayment today. This meant another long winded phone call to the bank! Not really great for my mental health and this is supposed to be helping me.  Any of you who have followed my other posts will know I have not been able to have any paid employment since December.   Having spent hours and 3 phone calls talking to Carol, Liz and Damian (I've changed their names to protect their identity, no   actually  I can't remember them 😂)at the bank I think I can breathe a sigh of relief for a bit and get on with living and trying to improve our lot.  So this text message is an absolute shock to me.   I hate owing anyone money and I have never been in any sort of debt before.   Anyway once the phone had been answered the lady I spoke appologised that t...

No Money and in Lockdown but There is Always Hope Currently we are isolated in our homes due to the coronovirus (COVID-19) Families are suddenly thrown together for long periods of time. Only allowed out once a day for exercise, or to go to the shops for essential items (such as food) or to collect medications or see our GP.   The spread of this virus has been widespread and fast.  On writing our prime minister, health secretary and most senior medical officer for England have been diagnosed or experiencing symptoms of this virus.  It is a bit like an apocalypse film except this is real life none of knowing when this will end or if we will make it out alive.   This isn't just a one country problem it is a pandemic meaning it is affecting every part of the world.  It all seems pretty bleak doesn't it but there are some things to positive things to take from this:  Viruses are no respecter of persons, money or status.  We are all on an equal...

Update on Getting a Job Against all the Odds As you are aware it has all got a bit more challenging to find work recently due to the corona virus.  On a positive note I passed my taxi driving test on Tuesday.  The downside is I'm not sure how long the work will be available.  I just have to pass a local knowledge test and await advice on how the local authority will help be able to schedule this in.  Not to be beaten I've contacted a local Macmillan Unit to see if I can be of any help to them during this crisis.  Just waiting to hear back from them.  My work as a volunteer in a charity shop has been brilliant.  My autism has helped me to focus completely on ordering of stock and my Tourettes keeps me brimming with new ideas of how I can problem solve around issues.  Education is the key I completed my level 3 in employment law last week, just missing a distinction by 3%.  Looking for roles which could be completed online if...

A lot has happened in the past week but something I'm trying to do is spend more time for me. Sadly eating a good diet still eludes me, as chocolate seems so alluring when I'm stressed. However one thing at a time.  Tara Stiles is a name I have known for a long time. She is a yoga instructor. But don't get to stressed out with different instructors. You just need to follow a basic yoga routine.   Managing my time better!   Using the pomodoro technique recommended by a friend Adrienne Adele Cox @adrienneadelee has helped me focus my mind on study in small 25 minute chunks. This has increased the amount of work I have got done. I finally completed my level 3 in Employment law and studied for my taxi exam the other day. This is big stuff for me. Visualisation Your driving through some beautiful countryside. You stioover to admire the view in front of this beautiful cottage. You walk up to the door. There is a note on it which says "This cottage is f...

Employment - over qualified Applying for everything. Coffee shop assistant and cleaning jobs to name but a few.  Sadly I didn't get any interviews as I'm over qualified.  Car hire management and retail management again my age and lack of retail experience counted against me.  What Next? I need money. The bank are not being very helpful regarding my mental health.  I got thinking I need experience at all costs.  Therefore I have signed up to a volunteering website. So far I have applied to volunteer in town as a till operator in some charity shops and with special education charities to work and train as an advocate supporting families through educational tribunal.  Of course I am still waiting to get a nurse uniform and ID card for my bank nursing role.  I hope to look back on all this as an opportunity for me to grow.  Thanks for reading. Feel free to contact me if you are going through similar issues, I would love to know how yo...

Autism & Mental Health Assessment I've just completed my AQ questionnaire and scored 42/50.  For those who don't know the Autism Quotient contains 50 questions testing the probability of autism.  A score of at least 32 indicates a high probability the person has autism.  For more information & other autism tests google the autism research centre at the University of Cambridge.   Wow I've never scored so well in a test in a long while.  Sorry please excuse my flippant response but for me humour sometimes helps to get through difficult stuff.   I am currently completing my own referral for autism assessment.  You may wonder why I'm referring myself?  The short answer is I saw the community mental health team who are happy to refer me for assessment assessment.  However they have completed the bare minimum of the referral and asked me to complete the rest.  Also complete the test and score myself.  This isn't...

I am sitting on the beach with my dog.  Just helped a lady to jump-start her car.  That's the positive, the negative is I am currently unemployed due to mistakes I made a work last year.  My previous employer has complained to the nursing council about me.    I had been planning on leaving nursing for a few years now and had found that I have a lot of talents as a teacher.  During my nearly 17 years as a nurse, I have gained a lot of teaching skills and a teaching qualification.   As special educational needs is a passion of mine due to my 3 children and my sister all of whom have special educational needs I a completed a diploma in Special Educational Needs and Disabilities. I have also been working on other skills which will make me employable such as marketing, business studies, employment law and so on. Back to the NMC investigation.  When I heard about the complaints I was working as a teaching assistant in a school for children with pred...