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My Sails are Broken

 My Sails Are Broken (Written 11/06/2020)


I am feeling so awful.  Today is a bad day.  Nothing is going right.  I am working but struggling to fit work around my family.  My eldest son is unwell, his epilepsy has been diagnosed as rare. 

 I am awaiting the professional investigation to be concluded, it is currently on hold.   Added to this all the stress has uncovered stuff I had hidden away when I was little.  It pains me to open up with you friends like this, but this blog enables me to be who I am and deal with the stuff that is going on in my head and life right now. I need to open up. I feel so dirty and horrible.  I was sexually abused a number of times in my childhood.  I don’t want to go into details right now as it is too painful.  I have sought support from a local rape and sexual abuse centre, sadly they are not taking on any new referrals.


All this has left me feeling that I cannot possibly go on.  There is just too much happening to me.  I feel broken, too much trouble for anyone to deal with or care for.  I look back at my 4 or 5, 11 and 14 year old self and start saying why did you let this happen? Some how looking for an accusing reason to blame myself.   What happened I can deal with but it is the fear I felt through the eyes of my 4 or 5 year old self that I am struggling to deal with. Crying out but no help came.  I am almost 45 now and keep wondering why now why not deal with this before

 I had always just filed these episodes under the heading of bullying as I have been bullied my entire life. 


Apart from this it does make me realise why I am the way I am. Why most of my friends are female and I struggle to talk to other guys.   Why I have always hated myself and always think of myself as ugly and not worth the love of anyone.  I am so tired, life is just rubbish right now.  I just need to keep going some-how. 


While I am writing I keep thinking all this doesn't seem real.  I wasn't abused it always happens to others not me.  I wasn't raped but I was sexually abused.  


I keep completing mindfulness meditation to help me focus on the present but everything just comes at me at once.  This may sound harsh but I don't want to sugar coat the reality, the darkness and the pain.  I am broken. All this has been subconsciously holding me back my whole life. 


Thank you all for listening to me.  Much love to you all ❤

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