Skip to main content

My Sails are Broken

 My Sails Are Broken (Written 11/06/2020)


I am feeling so awful.  Today is a bad day.  Nothing is going right.  I am working but struggling to fit work around my family.  My eldest son is unwell, his epilepsy has been diagnosed as rare. 

 I am awaiting the professional investigation to be concluded, it is currently on hold.   Added to this all the stress has uncovered stuff I had hidden away when I was little.  It pains me to open up with you friends like this, but this blog enables me to be who I am and deal with the stuff that is going on in my head and life right now. I need to open up. I feel so dirty and horrible.  I was sexually abused a number of times in my childhood.  I don’t want to go into details right now as it is too painful.  I have sought support from a local rape and sexual abuse centre, sadly they are not taking on any new referrals.


All this has left me feeling that I cannot possibly go on.  There is just too much happening to me.  I feel broken, too much trouble for anyone to deal with or care for.  I look back at my 4 or 5, 11 and 14 year old self and start saying why did you let this happen? Some how looking for an accusing reason to blame myself.   What happened I can deal with but it is the fear I felt through the eyes of my 4 or 5 year old self that I am struggling to deal with. Crying out but no help came.  I am almost 45 now and keep wondering why now why not deal with this before

 I had always just filed these episodes under the heading of bullying as I have been bullied my entire life. 


Apart from this it does make me realise why I am the way I am. Why most of my friends are female and I struggle to talk to other guys.   Why I have always hated myself and always think of myself as ugly and not worth the love of anyone.  I am so tired, life is just rubbish right now.  I just need to keep going some-how. 


While I am writing I keep thinking all this doesn't seem real.  I wasn't abused it always happens to others not me.  I wasn't raped but I was sexually abused.  


I keep completing mindfulness meditation to help me focus on the present but everything just comes at me at once.  This may sound harsh but I don't want to sugar coat the reality, the darkness and the pain.  I am broken. All this has been subconsciously holding me back my whole life. 


Thank you all for listening to me.  Much love to you all ❤

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Amazing Ways to Turn Failure Into Triumph

  Amazing ways to turn failure into triumph!   As I stand in this pit of despair having fallen a long way, a few thoughts come to mind: ·         Everyone fails at some point. ·         Fail doesn’t mean the end. It means First Attempt. ·         Tesla.   Don’t Give Up Be More like Musk Elon Musk had the vision to develop the first all-electric car.   Starting with the roadster he had to overcome insurmountable hurdles.   Such as the company losing money, low sales, having to build their parts on-site rather than rely on suppliers.   Despite all the challenges, he found ways around them.     His approach was different from that of any other car maker (such as General Motors) build the car he envisaged first, then work on the problems as they arose.   There was always a lot of staff turnover from all levels in the compan...
2 comments
Read more

5 best things to reduce anxiety

Do you ever worry? Does anxiety seem to hold you back? Well this article is here to help.  Now sit back and we'll get started with 5 things you can do take control back.  Our brains are wired to keep us safe.  Sometimes these mechanisms designed to keep us from harm when we were living in caves, fighting off wild animals can worry us for little reason.   When we start to worry about something our brain goes into what we call fight or flight mode.  In other words it prepares us to fight off an attacker or flee.  Whether there is a physical threat or an imagined one, the brain cannot tell the difference.  The brain diverts blood flow from non-essential organs to ones that will help while we prepare to flee.  So you might experience difficulty in thinking clearly and feeling nauseas.  20 Second breath hold When this happens we cannot think straight.  At this point holding your breath for 20 seconds can help to clear your mind.  Tr...
1 comment
Read more

Importance of Mental Health

I am sitting on the beach with my dog.  Just helped a lady to jump-start her car.  That's the positive, the negative is I am currently unemployed due to mistakes I made a work last year.  My previous employer has complained to the nursing council about me.    I had been planning on leaving nursing for a few years now and had found that I have a lot of talents as a teacher.  During my nearly 17 years as a nurse, I have gained a lot of teaching skills and a teaching qualification.   As special educational needs is a passion of mine due to my 3 children and my sister all of whom have special educational needs I a completed a diploma in Special Educational Needs and Disabilities. I have also been working on other skills which will make me employable such as marketing, business studies, employment law and so on. Back to the NMC investigation.  When I heard about the complaints I was working as a teaching assistant in a school for children with pred...
7 comments
Read more