I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I can't carry on. The noise of my inner critic and the criticism from others is too much for me. Add in the constant loss of earnings, the bank wanting money. Joel's brain tumour, my painful memories of being abused and the nursing council investigation it has laid me low.
On a positive side, I'm working as a minibus driver taking a disabled child to and from school and taking keyworkers to work. It is less stressful and I am doing an important job.
Professor Peters* in the chimp paradox says this is my chimp as it is emotionally driven. My chimp has experienced a lot of trauma since I was a child. So no wonder I have these strong emotions. I need to nurture and manage my chimp. One way to nurture the chimp is to exercise, this will help reduce the negative feelings. Another way to nurture the chimp is to be kind to yourself. My counsellor reminded me that not everything that happened to me is my fault and remember you are safe.
Ellen Hendriksen PHD* not all the inner critic says is true. More often than not it is based on a small grain of truth. Steve Peters says we have a choice whether to respond to what the chimp is telling us or not. It is an offer but we have a choice. Remember in the wild the chimp is 5x stronger than the human, imagine the inner chimp is 5x stronger than us, so we need to learn how to manage the chimp. A well-nurtured happy chimp is less likely to cause us too many problems.
If all this talk of inner chimps is confusing the inner chimp is just a way of describing the parts of our brain which work automatically to keep us safe from danger. Also known as the flight or fight response however these dangers are not always real and it is up to us to respond to them. For example, is it possible? and is it probable? To explain, lots of things are possible. It is possible I could win the lottery but is it likely to happen? Based on the odds probably not. If like me you are struggling today try to be specific about what you're anxious about. What will happen? Who will not like me etc? Anxiety thrives in uncertainty. (Hendriksen 2020)
Hopefully, I haven't confused you too much. Take a look at the below resource list for further reading ideas.
Thank you for listening to me, talking to you reminds me I am not alone, others are feeling the same.
Take Care, have a great day and be kind to yourself.
*Ellen Hendriksen "Rising above Social Anxiety" on Insight Timer (2020).
*Steve Peters (2012) "The Chimp Paradox" published by Vermillion.
Recommend:
Ellen Hendriksen (2018) "How to be yourself" St Martins Press: London. This book is fantastic. It helped me understand my social anxiety and I'm not the only one. I always felt like I am a misfit but so many people in different walks of life are going through this too.
If like me you can't afford to buy books, you can listen to How to be yourself and The Chimp Paradox for a free 30-day Audible trial. That's what I did. You can then cancel your subscription if you want to before the 30 days are up. You get to keep the books even if you cancel your subscription. Due to my neurodiversities I remember things better when it is read to me so audible is brilliant.
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