New mind/ new beginning

Meltdowns verses a naughty child. A trip to Tesco's to buy an outfit for Halloween.  James suddenly didn't want us to pay for things he wanted to leave the store.  He threw himself on the floor when I stopped him from running. The security guard watched us with an air of suspicion.  Thoughts do I admit defeat, dump the shopping in the store and come back another time.  James still clinging onto the witched outfit.  No I went to the express checkout.  James followed me taking his coat off he screamed, everyone looked.  I announced sorry he has autism.  As we left the store refused to move. So I borrowed a basket as I thought I could carry him, his coat and the shopping.  As we walked through door still screaming he tried to grab my hair and ended up grabbing my mask and pulling it off my face. I dropped some of the shopping. The security guard concerned asked if I was ok and gave me my mask back.  I struggled to get James acro...

Do you jump before you are ready? You will never feel ready.  Life is about the experience, if we fear pursuing our dreams and do nothing,  we will never know what might have been. Doing nothing may feel safe but it prevents us from learning. Have no regrets.   If it is something that moves you to action you should go for it.   Feel the fear and do it anyway.   Look back on your life for what you did, not what you wish you had done.  A life of no regrets. I am not saying I have it all sewn up, but life is what you make it, most often I struggle to act. Do I get scared and think "what if it all goes wrong?" Yes.  Now I am not saying make uncalculated risks,  I am saying sometimes you have to take a risk in order to grow.  Sometimes that is when we do not feel ready.   Make a small investment in yourself today Invest in yourself today that might be exercise or learn a new skill, connect with someone.  Get out there...

We're both sitting in the living room with headphones on listening to music.  Trying to drown out the noise of our youngest son shouting the same thing over and over and over, while playing with his cars. Asking him to stop he just shouts louder and says no.    We've been to Portsmouth today he wanted to walk a particular way and did not want to go to the toilet, so started screaming and throwing himself on the floor.  People looking on assuming we are bad parents.  As I pick him up his feet swing wildly striking me in the shins while he puts his whole body weight down through his legs causing me to need to waddle. The screaming continues as we head into the toilets. To the naked eye you would think this is just a normal childhood tantrum. However this child is wearing a sunflower lanyard. This indicates that he has a hidden disability.  Yes James is verbal but he has autism, social and communication delay.  Mentally he is a 2 year old who struggles ma...

What an amazing lady.  An ex-colleague once commented fighting fire with fire was the way to deal with some people. Looking back, I have only found this approach to make a situation far worse. It is like adding fuel to a fire making it even bigger and causing problems you may not have had before speaking.  That is not to say we should always keep silent when being oppressed or when witnessing prejudice for example.    So many times you look back at a difficult situation and think, I wish I had said this or that!   If you are anything like me,  I often feel guilt for whatever my response is. I feel that I am somehow expected to respond in a particular way, make myself look tough for example. Reflection often helps me to see that often times I responded as I should have. I responded as me, for I cannot be someone else. One final thought.   It is good to celebrate the life of inspirational people but make sure you do not use it ...

I am on the cusp of greatness.  Not sure what that means or how I know that but I've got a good feeling. So I'm running with it.   Feel tired but can't sleep. My wife talked about our wedding vows today: For richer for poorer - we have always been poor. Still awaiting the richer bit. In sickness and in health -  lots of sickness and trouble but not the health part.  Based on the above we think we're due some of the flip side.  Well I've gone and done it, applied to be a freelance writer. My first step on the rung to becoming a writer.  I may not get it but I must keep going as there is so much uncertainty right now. My job is fixed contract that could end anytime.  Hey it sounds more like a mobile phone sim only deal than a job. A job that helps to provide for your family, keep a roof over your heads and help give you some pride in yourself. Just reflecting this year we have trodden an extremely hard road but I have met some amazing people because...

 My Sails Are Broken (Written 11/06/2020) I am feeling so awful.  Today is a bad day.  Nothing is going right.  I am working but struggling to fit work around my family.  My eldest son is unwell, his epilepsy has been diagnosed as rare.   I am awaiting the professional investigation to be concluded, it is currently on hold.   Added to this all the stress has uncovered stuff I had hidden away when I was little.  It pains me to open up with you friends like this, but this blog enables me to be who I am and deal with the stuff that is going on in my head and life right now. I need to open up. I feel so dirty and horrible.  I was sexually abused a number of times in my childhood.  I don’t want to go into details right now as it is too painful.  I have sought support from a local rape and sexual abuse centre, sadly they are not taking on any new referrals. All this has left me feeling that I cannot possibly go on.  There i...

Why do I want to re-invent my story? Whoever you are, we all have a story to tell.  Story doesn't mean made up, it refers to our life.  The things that happened to us. Looking back I have always tried to be someone else in the hope that other people will like me.  However much I have tried not to I still end up following that program. It is as if I am not enough.   But what if? What if people actually like me as me? Sorry this could get very confusing.  I need to just be me without sugar coating it or apologising.  Am I not enough that I have to become James Bond?   Don't get me wrong escapism is great and there is a lot we can learn from these characters.  However sadly they all have their flaws. Bond has his love of women and desire to self destruct. Deep down bond is lonely. Yes he is macho but he doesn't have any friends or family. Friends get killed.  Just think if bond were real he might be wishing he were someone else too....