New mind/ new beginning

Feeling the need to Justify myself Everyday I feel anxious about what others are thinking, what I am thinking and worry others can see what I am thinking  from my body language. To make myself feel less anxious I alter my behaviour, (e.g. don't make eye contact or talk too much)   In such situations I worry others are looking down on me.  I try to find a connection with the other person and try to justify why I am worth talking too and not abused anymore.  Does reduce my anxiety? No, I then worry I have said toi much, they think I am stupid etc.   The truth is I don't need to justify myself to anyone. We are all equal regardless of what material assets we have, where we live or our ethnic background etc. Above all else we are all human beings.  Stop Justifying Myself My therspist suggested that I am fight or flight mode.   One solution when anxious, hold my breath for 20 seconds. It will allow me to think more clearly and slow down my br...

Driving to work listening to Mozarts magic flute.  The queen of the night Aria.  The only difference was this is the Sussex Downs not Oxfordshire and I'm driving an 8 seater VW Transporter and not a classic mark II Jaguar.  Anyway that aside I felt very good, relaxed, poised, professional and ready to focus on a fantastic day  ahead

One of the hardest things in life is letting go. So many thoughts, feelings and expectations.  Even for a brief moment, your mind is telling you about a whole list of things you need to do.   Three times I tried to just be, but my mind kept knocking.   Guilty feelings appeared fueled by thoughts of, 'you should do this', 'you won't achieve your dreams if you do this', 'everyone will be upset with you if you don't do this now.'  Such a barrage of opinions, none of it true .   I will achieve, I will get to where I want to be.  Meditation or just being will help me achieve.    Using the insight timer app I was transported to a native american settlement  Amazing, free sleep, meditation app.   Result feeling good, clear head and feeling more positive.     I noticed I have been getting a lot of muscle pain recently due to chronic anxiety and stress. I knew I needed some time out.  Do what makes you happ...

Me:   It's all about you! You: What? Me:   Your life is all about you!   You:  Oh, ok.  What do you mean? Throughout life there are the should's and the wants.   If you are anything like me, there have been a lot of should's but very little thought given to the latter.  What do I want to do?  Other people have always given me their opinion, this has led me to a life of living for others.  Don't get me wrong sometimes we have to put other people first and certainly that is what I have done, but there must be space for you.  What do you want to do? rather than what would they like me to do?  Survival  - If I fit in with everyone, everyone will like me and they won't hurt me anymore.  This was a rule that helped me at some point, it has helped me survive but I no longer want to survive , I want to live .  Let's be honest my life has had some good times but I have never really lived it for me, always ...

Perfection the road to nowhere Are you a perfectionist? There is nothing wrong with seeking to improve yourself or your work, but when you seek perfection holds you back through fear that is when it becomes a problem.  I always try to be perfect or achieve my perception of perfect anyway.  The trouble with perfection, is it is a misguided idea that no one can achieve.  David Burns said 'look around, can you see anything that is completely perfect and does not need to be changed?  Thomas Aquinas told us to think of a perfect island.   In answer to both nothing is completely perfect.  You can always add an extra palm tree to an island. This brings to my mind the thought I have to be perfect.  Everyone has to like me. Everyone must think highly of me. I should be able to create the perfect situation/environment for everyone.  I am an absolute mess,  if I don't achieve all of these things then I have failed, I am useless and I am rubbish....

hat have I achieved? I often sit with my thoughts.  This can be an intensely emotional time but also one I enjoy.  I like spending time with me.  I struggle with other people.  Their thoughts and opinions. Sometimes just their presence scares me.  I always feel I am not enough as I am.   My 45-year-old self talking to my 15-year-old self The first thing I want to tell you is you are enough! You will see that you will achieve so much.  You are autistic and always have been and guess what that is ok. You are you and bring so much love to the lives of others.  You have a bunch of other neurodiversities (Dyspraxia, Tourettes etc) but they make you, you. Some people think you are weird but you are gorgeous and you have a heart as big as the ocean. Quoting your friend Anna.  Be kind to yourself.  You have been through so much. Psychologically and physically abused by your teachers and fellow pupils. Not to mention the times' people touche...

I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I can't carry on. The noise of my inner critic and the criticism from others is too much for me.  Add in the constant loss of earnings, the bank wanting money. Joel's brain tumour, my painful memories of being abused and the nursing council investigation it has laid me low.   On a positive side, I'm working as a minibus driver taking a disabled child to and from school and taking keyworkers to work.  It is less stressful and I am doing an important job.  Professor Peters* in the chimp paradox says this is my chimp as it is emotionally driven. My chimp has experienced a lot of trauma since I was a child.  So no wonder I have these strong emotions.   I need to nurture and manage my chimp.  One way to nurture the chimp is to exercise, this will help reduce the negative feelings.  Another way to nurture the chimp is to be kind to yourself. My counsellor reminded me that not everything that happened to me is my fau...